Some Crapy thoughts of mine!!!

I would love to be a mobile phone. Walking down the street and trying to be all by myself and if somebody comes up to me and tries to trespass my privacy I would say, very mechanically “Excuse me! I am not here right nw if you leave me a message, then I can walk away” or if I want to be really rude I can just say “All the lines in this route are busy, please talk to me later.” It would defini8ly be fun, you don’t need to hear others all the time. Its so very irritating, you lost in deepest of your thoughts and want to be in that blissful state when your boss comes upto you and says:- “Why aint that file reached my desk yet”, excuse me, the file doesn’t have legs and they don’t walk, if it hasn’t reached your desk it means that I have not let it reach. And then I say: “Sorry Boss, I am doing it rite away, I was busy with some other works”. Bing!!! My day dreaming crashes, but I think such things never happen to a phone. Say for example a phone is busy with itself then there are so many things that he can do I mean like: The network is busy, etc.
One fine day I wake and feel really down but then I cannot take a break, ‘cause the break doesn’t earn me my bread. I take the lousy me, rather drag, to the office. Dump myself into the work and start doing things that would put a frown on a dead man. But these things never happen to a phone. They simple go off, until you recharge them. That’s the best thing in phone when they want to go off they can and no matter how important calls you might be expecting they will simply go off.
And with all those accessories and ringtone in you, you must be feeling like a rockstar. We lesser humans are not allowed to have these heavenly pleasures. We appear in brown, black, white, yellow and few other colours and look at a mobile phone 262k colours, TFTs and what nots. Its so boring to be the most intelligent creation of God. I think god can use some of our creativity.

TWO (MUCH) TO TANGO

I love dancing, I know a few mi8 be raising their eyebrows, I would ask them to read the line carefully, I said I love dancing not that I dance well. I mi8 nt b d best of d dancers bt I nt 1 vth two left feet. So one fine day me and a friend of mine decided tht v r wasting our talents in the corner of our workstations and need to hone our talent for the gr8er cause called art of dancing. So both of us after pondering a lot over various forms of dancing decided to settle for the SALSA.
Salsa as you all knw has lot of close body movements and my friend being in a relationship had to take permission from her boyfriend. I was initially apprehensive that he mi8 nt give the permit but to my surprise tht wasn’t the case. So we started our classes. Initially there weren’t much of a pressure as both of us knew hw to move our feet. But as the classes became more intense the feet struggled to move and tht meant more classes and more hours in the studio. More hours in studio meant my friend had less time to spend with her BF.
Nw Mr BF who at first seemed to be very open minded and all tht stuff was getting a bit fussy over the long hours in the dance studio with a guy. So the usual became unusual and the daily fights became a norm. In the whole scene I was like a guy pulled in from no where. One fine ni8 Mr BF calls me on my mobile and says that u need to maintain a distance from my beau, its hard to explain Salsa to ppl, it’s a close contact dance form and we cannot learn Salsa if I maintain distance from her, but I chose to keep quite. There were a few verbal abuses that I cnt mention here but I think a few of u mi8 already have gt a few synonyms in ur mind.
I on the other hand was enjyng all these stuff, to be true. Although I once asked Mia(Name changed), the friend of mine, to stop the classes but she was hell bent that if v r nt doing anything wrong then why shud we be worried, kudos to women empowerment. So the more the classes the less the love and the inverse proportion worked at a very fast pace and at the end of one month with four classes of Salsa, numerous hours of fight (Between Mia and Mr BF) and a few calls on my cell everything ended, including the Salsa class. Yeah its true even Mia left the class.
Now I really understand if she had to leave the class then what was the fuss all about. Ppl sometime learn late, but this was certainly a learning experience, I was short by a couple of thousands, learnt a few Salsa moves and decided that never to have a partner who has a BF. But yeah I am looking for a new partner for Salsa… Ne body there…

BOSS IS ALWEZ RI8 - APPRAISAL TIME

Its appraisal time and I had no choice but to say yes when my boss said that we are supporting the Knight Riders, nt that I dnt love them but had it been any other name then also I had no choice. I know a lot of u mi8 be going thru the same kinda situation. Appraisal times are the toughest time for a under-performer like me. You start doing things that u r nt used. To start with, you reach office on time. Its not easy I must, somebody was rite when he said ‘Habits Die Hard’. A month before the appraisal you try to make up for all the things that you have nt done for the last century (The year I mean).
So you have to reach the office before the boss does and have to be looking at the PC all day thru. If at all you need to take break then move fast so that ppl mi8 get the idea tht u r too bz to talk. And hey it helps when u move fast. You have to cut down on the smoke breaks and the usual chit chat times. Its boring I understand but then that’s what u have been doing all thru the year and appraisal times are like taking a break frm the stereotypical things and strt wrking.
So a month b4 the appraisal time I got to my working mode. I reached office on time, to the surprise of many of my colleagues. Step two, ask stupid questions as that makes your boss happy, I mean a stupid person can only answer it. So these questions make him feel imprtnt and hey it helps getting those brownie points as a good learner. Now tht the boss has already recognized you nw u gotta be a bit sincere. Dnt try to overdo it as that mi8 spell doom for you. Every time you mail something to the client, CC it to ur boss. If u have nothing to do then go up to the boss and ask him does he have anything for you, what a pro-active employee. During discussion or brain storming time blurt out heavy marketing jargons, I know at times they won’t mean anything neither does these brain storming sessions mean, so u have nothing to loose. so the other time the boss barged into my bay, while I was catching up on my sleep, I was adjusted my self jus in time to look as if I was thinking a lot, nw thts called in the nick of the time. Have the shortest lunch possible fr the one month I know ur health gonna take a beating but then a good carrier can handle tht rite. Be the last one to leave the office. I know the steps are hard to follow but then its all for a good cause… so even if u feel that these things are hard to follow but then a year of paid holiday, is a nice incentive rite. Hey gotta go for my review…

THE BROKEN HEARTS

This happened last weekend, I got a call from my friend and he was sounding very down. I knew something was amiss. So I just asked him “Is everything fine?”, he started crying. All I could make out of those sobbing noise was “She has left me…”. I knew it’s the beginning of many counseling sessions and a big telephone bill at the end of the month.
Heartbreaks are hard to handle. People think that its easy to mend broken bones than broken heart and they r probably ri8.
Its nt a topic that all wud be comfortable reading and some mi8 throw rotten eggs at me for writing this crap, but at the risk of getting assaulted I am writing this one coz some great thinker once said Express Yourself, or was it Airtel.
So this piece is dedicated to all the broken hearts out there. I must say life in this world is not easy and more so when ppl reject u fr no fault of urs. This happened to my friend. He was blissfully into this relationship, hoping that someday he would get married to this girl of his dreams. But things dnt alwez wrk out the way u want them to and this was one of them. One fine morning he gets a call from his girl saying that things are nt going the way she wants to and that’s why she thinks the best thing to do is call it quits. My friend was helpless and had no clue wat to do. How was he gonna spend his weekends, no more disc and pubs, no more valentine’s day parties and more imprtntly he has joined the Dumped-by-a-girl club. Yeah I know being in a relationship does have its advantages, you can go anywhere and most imprtntly u go everywhere. Disc entry is so easy with a girl in arm. Single ppl has pratically gt no place on earth.
Sorry ppl I was jus getting carried away. This article is nt about hw to handle broken relationship, its more for the ppl who have friends with a broken heart and dnt have a clue hw to deal with them. It happened with me and I m sure many pf u mi8 hav gone thru the same. I mean ppl with broken hearts think tht the whole world has turned into an AGONY AUNTS club and catch every single persn they cn lay their hand on and ask for counseling. So when this friend of mine came to my place on Friday evening I was sure that my weekend is spoilt, but then at this point of time u cnt tell him please leave as someone else has already said tht to him. U r virtually left with no choice but to welcome him, now listen guys while welcoming there’s a few tips to follow, open the door smile, the smile should contain – 20% warmth, 30% sympathy, 50% I-m-there-with-you written on it. A pat on the shoulder doesn’t wrk all the time. Ppl at time take it as a cue to cry and then they make ur shoulders wet. So never pat on their shoulder as if saying “Oh! I am so very sorry for you”.
Let them speak coz the more they speak they think tht they are in control of the situation and dnt interrupt. Ur words will alwez wrk like a double edged sword, I know some of u mi8 be thinking to be gr8 counselors and I dnt doubt their skills but this piece is for lesser humans. So listen, it wrks, as they wud shut up after talking to you for an hour or so.
Switch off ur TVs and Radios, u knw the Brkn Hrts alwez find something depressing even from the Jay Leno Show, so jus keep them away frm such stuffs. Dnt ask them things like when did it happen, how or why. They alwez start with “I dnt knw…” or “It was alrite….”.
Keep them away from drinks as they gonna drink helluva lot and then puke all around the place and u wud be left with a lot of puke to clean.
Alwez store a lot of tissue papers nt u but ur friend will need it. U ll c various forms of cry also, I mean there will be the slight sobbing to complete out burst. Just make sure ur neighbours don’t wake up and beat the daylight out u fr disturbing them. Keep telling them that life doesn’t end here, it makes them feel good and they will get better one’s, it will make them feel even better. For a person who is ditched the biggest pleasure is when he/she finds his/her partner burning in hell, sorry for the language I meant suffering. But there are some son/daughter of cupids who believe in eternal love and think that ‘if u love some1 truly then u ll get it’, my advice buddy we r talking human beings nt toffees.


Piece of advice for Broken Hearts:

I know it hurts to be alone but God alwez has something good in his mind.
Try to move on, world doesn’t end here.
There are more fishes in the pond, just hang on to ur fishing rod.
Crying hasn’t helped any1 so it wont help you.
Most imprtntly, treat a relationship like a job alwez has a back up, u never know wen u gona get ur pink slips.

Home Sweet Home

Finding a house in Delhi is not easy and for bachelors it is doubly difficult. Maslow said that food, shelter and physical needs are the first level of satisfaction but for ppl like us (read, bachelor) finding a house is nxt to attaining self actualization, actually u r left with nothing but ur self. Probably Maslow never visited India, rather he has never been a part of house searching in India.
I am sharing my experience, I call it nightmare. I am not here to warn ppl but to prepare them for the Mission House Hunting.
After my MBA I got a job in Delhi and I was really excited till I came to know that I have to go house searching. Big cities come with big problems. So if u want to have a house on rent then u got to fulfill anyone of the followings: You got to have a few references or you gotta have a family, married ppl are considered trustworthy, ppl prefer to let bachelors handle country(refer to our ex-President and Ex - PM) but they wont trust a bachelor with their house or you have to have come thru a property dealer. For bachelors like me property dealers are GOD sent angels, just that they don’t fly.
Property dealers are one hell of a salesperson, they would make you believe that Qutab Minar is actually half Twin Tower. This guy takes me to a house where to reach is almost getting up the Himalayas. The stairs are so steep that everytime you walk down or go up the stairs u need a safety harness. Then the room is very shoddy and u feel like u need an oxygen cylinder to survive inside the room. This PD of mine then dares to ask “So?” with that irritatingly annoying smile of his “is this a deal”. I feel like killing this guy, or better making him stay in this room for a month at my expense. I choose to walk out.
They have a very strategic way of going about their business. First they will take you to places and show you houses that are pigeon holes, to say the least. Then they will take you to a barely livable place and you being tortured beyond death, go for the place in fear of going thru the ordeal again.
Everytime you go to a new house you meet new Landlords but they are all the same, they talk the same way, they have same questions and they all are big SOBs. Where would you find questions like Do u drink? Ya of course are u offering or asking. Do u have friends? No I am loner, in fact I am an alien just landed on earth. This question gets the Oscar: Do u have girlfriends? No I am gay are you interested. Then there will be rules: 1. No girls allowed: For heaven’s sake you are renting this house to a bachelor. 2. No late nights: How late is your night, for me the night starts after 3 am, till then its good evening. 3. You cannot have friends coming here all the time. Its like I have to disown my girlfriend, give up my friends, sacrifice my night life and then stay a loner, coz Maslow said to move to higher level of satisfaction you need to first satisfy the ones in the lower level, shelter being the first one.